Elizabeth Warren Takes Campaign Out Back, Shoots It in the Head

Sometimes an ailing dog needs to be put out of its misery, and that time has come for the coughing, sputtering, limping mutt formerly known as the Elizabeth Warren 2020 Campaign. On Thursday, the Massachusetts senator did everyone a favor, took her campaign behind an old Oklahoma barn, and shot it in the head. Reports differ on whether Warren used a gun or a bow-and-arrow, but the effect comes to the same.

Warren’s campaign for the Democratic nomination can be called many things, but lazy is not one of them. Say what you will about her lies, her attraction to the woke edge of her party, her grating personality, her weird dancing, her pathetic efforts to act like a “woman of the people,” her…wait, what was our point again?

Oh right, laziness. Yeah, she wasn’t lazy. She had a “plan” for everything. While the rest of the candidates were at least on nodding familiarity with how a presidential campaign should be run, Warren was typing up her policy prescriptions to save the indigenous Eskimos of East Juneau from the decline in Northwestern blue mackerel…or something. We can only guess that her big strategy was to convince voters to go onto her website, read her 100+ page policy papers, and then sit back and watch the votes roll in. Amazingly, it didn’t happen.

Sadly, Warren’s predilection towards the wonky was probably her campaign’s greatest strength. And for a while, it seemed like she was on her way to the top of the pack. But her campaign was derailed by a series of missteps that should have been easy to avoid. She waffled back and forth on her support of Medicare for All, which did little to endear her to the fringe left that her buddy Bernie Sanders is currently king of. Speaking of Sanders, Warren’s campaign really took a nosedive after she accused him of telling her that a woman couldn’t defeat Trump.

And while it may or may not have had an effect, we can’t imagine that statements like, “Black trans women are the backbone of our democracy” or her promise to have a young transgender child interview her nominee for Secretary of Education did her any favors. There’s only so much crazy the American people will stand for.

In any event, Warren’s “persistence” is now over, and the Democratic race is down to the senile Joe Biden and the communist Bernie Sanders. One of them will figure out that they’re not going to be president within the next month or so. The other will have to wait until November to realize it. At least in that respect, Warren has the advantage of knowing early.